Healing - A Rant by Vivian

 

You know what, other than the gruesome life lessons I’ve learnt through just merely breathing, I would say books are up there in my top 3 when it comes to where I’ve learnt lessons from most.

Let’s talk about it. Heart to heart. Book to book.

Okay so I’m 24 and boy have I been through some thick mud. I have been going through it for a while but like now I’m going THROUGH it. 2024 was supposed to be my year and in a weird way it is but instead of it being getting that cheque, job and husband it’s more like the unveiling of bad people in my life. Myself included.

First, let’s talk about mistakes and the relationship it has with something that is as fragile – if not more – as glass; trust. Have I broken people’s trust? Undecided but the short answer is that certain people think yes. Have I lied? Not necessarily. Have people broken my trust? Now we’re talking. Let’s say I’ve been humiliated, cheated and used. Not by a man though – I’m not that unlucky.

So, I feel as if we never grow out of that teenage phase in the sense that no matter what age we are, we never think are parents are right. Kind of like no matter how old we are, we always need them. More specifically, mums. Well, I can say from experience, that had I listened to my mum’s opinion about the company I’m associated with, maybe 2024 would have been more tolerable. Now my mum’s company with me? We need a whole post on that one. You have people whether they’re friends or family who you confide in. I did the same. I considered those individuals close people to me who I could vent about people I didn’t like or how I was feeling and vice versa. We’ll call these people rugrats because they in fact are. I ignored my gut feelings – never do that by the way – and kept giving them chances despite sirens going off in my mind. I learned they were bad and using me however it was a little too late. Yeah, you know that saying ‘it’s never too late’ – bullshit. Sometimes, it is just a little to late or in my case about 5 years too late.

 Let’s just say that hypothetically, one side of the conversation was released therefore painting Vivian as the bad guy. Don’t’ want to elaborate, very dark time in my life and don’t wish it upon my worst enemies. What lead to this outburst? Me ending contact with said rugrats. I should’ve understood that those who don’t care about their own respect will never care about others. Accusations i.e. the he said, she said culture made a return in my big age. Am I to blame? Partially. Was it all my fault? No. I was betrayed. Did I get the full blame from A-Z? Absolutely. Why? Because I don’t have the one thing that gets everyone off the hook. Job aka MONEY!

‘You can’t trust anyone’ is such a toxic and negative mindset. Every time I met someone with those issues, it really confused me until God put me through the same hell everyone I spoke to went through.

In most cases, other than you parents, no one will ever truly have your back. People forget the good you do in seconds because off one mistake. People forget their own mistakes only to then add fuel to the fires of others. People will do everything and anything to make sure they get out unscathed whilst happily joining the bandwagon to your humiliation. In this world, you need to have your own back.

Healing is a journey. It’s hard, frustrating, tiring and makes over thinking seem like a baby who’s going through teething. There are times where I think that now it’s all done and dusted until another missing piece of the puzzle arrives at my door step. The rugrats don’t live in my head – I don’t give them a second thought; she says whilst writing a whole damn blog post. It’s the family that gets to me. It’s the strangers who don’t know either side but are happily to pick the stronger side. It’s the thoughts that need to be evicted out of my mind but linger. I’ll say “I won’t let the opinions of others get to me” then let myself to the complete opposite. It’s the fact that I’m internally screaming every day and night because no one notices what I notice. I live in an Asian family. I can’t say it’s not toxic whilst also being unable to truthfully say there hasn’t been worse. There has. Healing is like taking a deep breath just for you to feel unsatisfied after blowing it out. When I finally get my job, I’m so getting a therapist. There’s so much that needs to be sorted through. It's not healthy to live life with resentment towards others or yourself. Sometimes, you can be the most toxic thing for yourself.

Books aren’t just my escape. They all have some sort of lesson, teaching and moral in them. To the outside world, rom-coms may seem something authors write to set unrealistic expectations. Whereas I can’t fully argue with that, I can confirm that the betrayal is unfortunately the most real things in the whole 400 pages. Either readers have been through it, are going through it or will at some point of life. It’s a lesson. Hard by no means but who said lessons were fun? Can anyone hand on heart say they loved school? Thank you.

Once upon a time I was a people-pleasing helper down to my core. I still am however I transferred those skills to becomes the leadership material I am now. You need to understand how to choose your battles. Silence doesn’t always equal weakness – sometimes it says everything that words could never. Defending yourself is always necessary until you do it so much that now you look like the lie. Individuals who have decided you are wrong no matter, what will always know how to get under your skin. They’ll always know how to get under your skin. The best thing I’ve learnt throughout is to let people have their opinions. Everyone’s entitled to them. You can’t stop them, change them or remove them. Let it be. Hard pill to swallow but it has to be done.  

If I could sum up my life experience with people in under 30 words, it would be the following.

"No one has ever defended me the way I have others and no one has ever jumped through hoops like I have for them"

And with that, I sign off this post here. It’s a sad one guys. I needed it.  I’ve been MIA with the reviews because I’ve actually been binge reading Rina Kent’s Royal Elite series. As I finish over the last novella, I’m shocked to find who my favourite bad boy is.

Paper pages are never limited to just one thing so pick them up. It may help you heal more than you think.

Now I’m off to find a book to get me out of my reading slump after Rina Kent put me into one.

Vivian.

Don’t forget to keep reading, because as long as you do, it’s making a struggling authors day that much better. Reach for the starts of success.