Let's talk Intentions.

 

Another heart to heart my little book worms. Today’s topic? Intentions. Before I get into this though, I’m considering during a weekly or bi-weekly post which is deviated way from books and more on life. Let me know if that’s something you all would like to see!

On to today’s ‘segment’ as I like to call it, let’s discuss intentions. Mine, yours, your neighbours and just how it can affect your life.

I’ve been home for quite a while now living in a joint family which consists of mother, father, brother, SIL and child. I’m not going to add my sister to this list only because sissy is moving out in a couple of months after getting married. As we all know, Vivian is struggling to get a job in publishing but I’ve been applying for bucket full both in the UK but more predominantly in the US. Attention to detail is both a blessing and a curse. Blessing because it’s one skill that anyone in publishing needs to own. Yes, it comes with experience but I also think it’s just a life skill at this point. Curse because I can see right through everybody and notice even the slightest shift in someone’s behaviour or attitude towards me and this is what we will talk about today.

Sometimes, I feel exactly like Charlie did in Charlie, Love and Clichés written by Ella Maise. Charlie was literally the lackey in everyone’s life, she did everything for everyone but still got blamed for everything. Intentions were questioned, actions were criticized and poor Charlie finally had enough to leave her family and move outside of New York to start a fresh life. This is how I feel. Like I’m in a cardboard box that won’t stand up straight or tip over. It’s just a constant battle. Back to the ‘attention to detail’ bit. I have noticed, that this skill can lead people to thinking you’re quarrelsome which couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s good to have boundaries so certain people can’t get away with treating you less than you should. Let’s just say, I have talked it out many times, I notice the little shifts in people alongside the tactics they use so I do what my sister can’t. I cut them out quicker than lightening. In other words, it’s the house against Vivian. Or more specifically, my mother and her new little minion (SIL). It’s always the victim card, the goody-two shoes act. Vivian is to blame no matter what happens.

Well Vivian has plans to. I’m putting it into action, just waiting for it to work. Anytime now God. My intentions are never to hurt, scar or make anyone do anything more/less than they want to. My intentions are also never to make someone feel bad about their actions or getting some kind of argument starting but if you think for a second I’m not going to call out someone on their behaviour, that - my little book worms - is where you are wrong. Standing up for yourself means having to be alone most of the time. Despite being use to it, it still hurts. Under all that anger and resentment is sadness and – dare I say it – wisdom. Some people just catch on later to the pattern I’m trying to explain later than others. Sometimes it’s just too late.

Mental health is always a battle for everyone these days. I believe even my parents went through it but Asian families have stigma and, in a generation, where it wasn’t talked about enough, I doubt anyone even knew how to do a diagnosis of it. Toxic people are always around. A lot of the time, they are the reason for your moods going up and down. Periods just weren’t enough, were they?

One day I know I’ll make it. I’ll get my job; I’ll move to New York and meet someone who understands me better than myself. It’s only when something – or someone – in this case leaves for the other to appreciate it’s worth. It’s easy to say I need to leave when literally every door is getting slammed in my face left right and centre. I’m literally Bailey from Hopeless. Bailey had to change her damn name to get a job. I started to do the same before I read their love story. Safe to say, my feelings are valid both literally and metaphorically.

Certain people are just programmed to bring out the worst in you. You cannot bring out the worst in someone then complain about it. 

Tears are falling from somewhere. Are they falling from my eyes? Oh, look at that. They are. Parents man. They suck.

Let’s peddle back a second. Intentions. No one truly knows your intentions other than God plus yourself. It’s futile trying to explain it to someone – even if that someone literally gave birth to you and it supposed to know you inside and out – plus even more draining trying to change those said perspectives. They are literally set in stone. It’ll chip away with time but freshly set, it’s not moving an inch.

Owning up to the wrong you’ve done to yourself and others is not just healthy for yourself but it also lifts an invisible burden of your shoulders. In the wise words of Hannah Montana ‘Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has those days’ However, it’s when you admit it once, that then society (my family is my society) decided to say ‘Oh, she admitted it once so I’m going to keep pressing those specific buttons to get a reaction’ thus falling into that cycle again.

Best reaction? No reaction. Trust me just writing it can me the ick, so I can only imagine what it’s like for you reading it. Call it RBF (Resting B***** Face) but if I’m going to be blamed for everything under the sun, then I’ll just stop communicating. Problem solved right? No. That’s were you are wrong. Have you learnt nothing form this post! Now there’s a problem because there is no communication. So honest communication is bad, no communication is so do you know what they want? A false representation of yourself aka the one they want you to be. The one that doesn't challenge them, their opinions and behaviour. Yeah, I’ll stick to the RBF. 

Even if I got paid to be someone I'm not, I wouldn't do it.

What goes around comes right back around so I full well understand that concept also applies to me not just others that I don’t love. This is why intentions are important. My intention is to keep my own peace because I’ve seen my whole life my mother give hers up to try and keep the family peace, only to get treated like dirt after. The best part? Everyone’ peace was kept besides her own. It’s always been others before her daughters. I’ve never been a parent before but I’m pretty sure normal, sane parents would go to war for their kids. I’m not saying you should support when they are wrong but you sure as hell aren’t supposed to be against them 6 days out of 7. Why is that wise in Asian culture? Why is that applauded? What on God’s green earth is going on?

I need to relax now because this ends up being a 5-page post. It was only supposed to be 1 and 1/2. Clearly, I have a lot to say.

It’s okay to feel lonely even with people surrounding you because that doesn’t inevitably mean all those people will help, uplift and respect you. The dead-end won’t always be there when you wake it, one day a door of opportunity won’t slam into your face and those accusations set in stone will erode away too. I’ve learnt the hard way that if you don’t have anything to your name i.e. a J-O-B, then you could end world hunger and still everyone will have a bad opinion on you.

I truly pray for all those struggling out there in their career, that God paves away out for you from sources you never imagined. You make a name for yourself far away from the picture others painted of you to the point where all those people come crawling back but this time? You have all the control.

Where there’s a will, there’s a way. Easier said than done.

Reading paper pages are the equivalent of noise cancelling headphones. It cancels out everything in the world, in the house, leaving behind what you hold in your heart. Intentions.

Love you all little book worms more every day – if no one else will listen to what I hold in the depths of my heart, I can always count on you.

I’m currently – trying – to read The Nanny by Lana Ferguson. Trying being the operative word. Reading in a household like mine is trying to read with lions chasing you. Tiring. Unpredictable. Kind of impossible.

Until my next post, I promise it will be about a book! Also, I was just re-reading some prior posts and what in the movies was my 5 days long obsession with Justin Baldoni. Why didn't anyone tell me to stop? Where was the Baldoni police? He doesn’t give me the ick but my crush just went ahead and did.

One day I’ll be posting ‘I just got my dream job’ and it will be the happiest blog day of my life. I’ve got it drafted it just needs to be posted when the time comes. Then I'm going to pack my suitcase, rolling it down the street, into the waiting Uber without saying a single goodbye to anyone. 

Hopefully soon.

Thank you bookish friends.

Mwah.

Vivian.

Don’t forget to keep reading, because as long as you do, it’s making a struggling authors day that much better. Reach for the starts of success.